Almost one year today marks my mental breakdown.
The day I walked into my high loft ceiling inner-city office (that was always more of an ego play than a necessity) and through puffed cheeks and eyes told my team I was resigning as CEO effective as of immediately.
I was prepared to lose my business in that moment, as difficult as the idea was to swallow, it had come to be a matter of life or death. I was on the verge of killing myself, I needed a change of skin ASAP.
I can also see now why I had the dark thoughts I had. That I was living in a state of fear, my soul was no longer fulfilled by what I was doing but yet my mind was rationalising everything and telling me to stay. I was depending on my external environment to validate my internal state and was getting shit whipped by life in the process. I had it all twisted. The more I ignored it the more I sped myself straight into a proverbial wall at eighty miles per hour.
And so, in a drastic move my nervous system took things into its own hands and drove me to my knees.
I was one of the lucky ones who was unsuccessful in my suicide attempts. I barely scraped by with my life.
It never had to get that far. If only I had just listened sooner.
I want to take this moment to give gratitude and thanks to the people that supported me through this difficult stage. To the team at Eight Loop and our online communities who banded together to give me the space I needed, to mama Brooke and Kirsty and Charlotte and my lil sis who took turns babysitting me on suicide watch. To Tim for being the first person I felt comfortable telling about how bad things really were. To Guy who gave me perspective. Alyssa and Sergei for the trips! My mum for the late night calls. To my two business partners Justin and Brandon – it is no coincidence that the depression began to shift the moment you came into my life in the way you did. To my ex husband who withstood the psychological abuse I threw his way.
The list goes on and on, and in many ways, helps to shine a light on the success of my recovery.
A year on, I have found my smile again and fuck does it feel good! I’m excited for what life has to bring and am almost in shock that I ever considered doing the things I once considered doing to myself.
If you are experiencing a difficult or dark time in your life, tell someone ASAP, do not martyr yourself in silence. If you don’t have anyone, reach out to me.
Know that better times will come, I can promise you this – physics demands that love and light always follows strife x